I’ve been feeling very excited and engaged with this wonderful certificate program that I have been taking so that I can become a meditation teacher with the Australian institute for Holistic Studies http://www.holisticstudies.com.au/. I wanted to take this program so that one day I could teach meditation to people in hopes that I can support others to learn how to reduce stress, become more mindful and get people out of their heads and into their bodies.
Oh! I just LOVE IT!
I feel really good about this next step because it’s 100% my passion to support people to heal themselves and I feel this practice really aligns with my beliefs about true healing of the body, mind and soul and it aligns with my hopes and dreams that I have for the world we live in today.
Thankfully, the program involves a lot of meditation practice on my part, which is amazing because it’s not only teaching me to teach others its teaching me how to reduce my own stress, become mindful in my own life and get out of my busy thinking mind and into my body where all my true wisdom lies.
I wanted to write a blog about an experience I had the other day after practicing a “higher self” mediation where I was asked to connect to that higher aspect of myself that has unconditional support and love. This experience was so divine and the insight that came through was absolutely ground breaking for me. I was in tears.
However, before I tell you all about this beautiful experience I have to admit that I have been going through a hard time over here. I have really been struggling after having a really challenging and hurtful interaction with a person in my life this last month. The experience has left me feeling weak, confused, sad, fearful, humiliated, insecure and…yep, not good enough. The dreaded, I’m not good enough – not enough belief has seeped its way into my life yet again. This belief storms into my life like a bloody massacre, crushing my hopes and dreams and leaving me feeling captured by fear and uncertainty. Its times like these where I feel like hiding under a rock and not coming out until the debris clears. I haven’t felt like myself lately and this whole experience has made it really difficult for me to “pick up where I left off” so to speak.
Sigh. That’s okay. I put my hand up for this work and so I am here to get my hands dirty and indeed do what I must to learn, grow and heal. There is power behind my pain, I know that. So I’ve been slowly picking up the pieces each day. Rebuilding trust. Trust in myself, and trust in others. Steady, easy, slowly Andrea. Do what you can. Take your time. You’re okay girl. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. You got this.
And when in doubt… Time and some inappropriate humour work wonders on me😉
It has been difficult for me to get back into the swing of things so I was really pleased with myself this week when I picked up my meditation book and started yet again moving my way through some meditations. Like I said earlier one of the activities asked me to invite my “higher self” to emerge within the meditation. Your higher self is that wiser, deeper, and divine aspect of you that is all knowing and very loving. Almost like your guardian angel but they are a part of you and live within you always. The activity involved me asking that higher Andrea a question that I needed answered. The scenario I vaguely described earlier still crosses my mind from time to time and leaves me feeling unsettled and very busy in the mind. So I decided to ask my higher self the question “What was this experience meant to show me?”
I was in my posture, breathing, peace was settling in and I waited. “What was this experience meant to show me?”
Usually when I meditate it takes me quite a bit of time to slow my thoughts, refocus my attention and slip into the stillness. But this time I got into it right away. I was in the zone and my girl had some big news for me.
The instructions read,
“Once this aspect of you emerges, feel what it feels like to be in their presence. In your inner scene, allow them to speak to you – notice what advice they have for you.”
This higher aspect of myself emerged right away into my inner scene and sat down right in front of me. I felt the energy around me shift and my focus sharpen and land right on the woman sitting directly in front of me. There she was – sitting cross legged, in the exact clothes I was wearing with her hair pulled back the exact way I had my hair. There was nothing about her that differed from the way I looked except the way her face formed my smile. She had a beautiful self-assured smile and gentle and loving warmth to her. And I realized in that moment that I missed that about me. I’ve missed that confident smile and fierce poise that I’ve on occasions carried around with me. Where did that go?
So there we were. My higher self and I.
I wanted to wrap myself up in her and ask her to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to reach for her and touch her arms and hold her close, and in that hug know that once I was in her embrace that everything could be undone and I would be me again.
I waited for her to speak. But she said nothing. I expected her to say something to me that would answer my question and make sense of the mess. I wanted a profound answer or knowing about what happened in hopes that her response about this whole situation would bring me back… to me. But she didn’t say a word. She just continued to look at me smiling and with a degree of love that I at the time could only respond to with tearful overwhelm. And in that moment I knew that she didn’t have to say a word to me or explain anything to me. It was done, and what was left was us. What was left of the mess was her, and me. And I had this knowing that whatever happened didn’t actually matter. What was important was that I knew that I was deeply loved and forgiven, and accepted and adored, and perfect.
She just kept smiling at me with compassion and understanding and expressive knowing. She knows how hard it has been for me and she will always be there for me to remind me that everything is going to be okay.
Her self-assured smile and loving confidence was a deep and impactful reminder for me that the first relationship I have to build upon and learn from is the relationship I have with Andrea. My relationship with myself. I certainly got the answer to my question “What was this experience meant to show me?”
It was meant to show me, me. Right here, right now. It’s just you and me girl. I’ll always be here. Whatever happened, we got this.
This exchange brought me to tears and to the floor where I stayed for quite some time processing the realization that I had forgotten about ME. In all my worry and self-criticism and over analyzations I was missing the most important factor in all of this. Self love. The willingness to be gentle with myself and allow whatever is coming up to spill over as it needs to. Allowing myself to just BE. To be in my pain and in my terror and then softly at night lying down with myself, hand over heart – “everything is going to be okay hunny”.
Self love, it’s an inside job and no one is going to make us feel worthy enough or beautiful enough if we don’t allow ourselves to be enough. I believe that in order for us to truly connect to our lives and the people around us we have to start with a healthy dose of inner love for ourselves. Unconditional love is about saying yes to yourself first.
Yes, I choose love.
Lots of love!🙂🙂🙂